The works

Leading up to the dreaded day itself, I actually thought that I'd gotten over the entire new years anxiety that's lingered on. Thought that maybe I had finally outgrown it. But then as we walked into the crowds that had gathered for the countdown, it came. People sprayed snow foam everywhere and Jin was laughing next to me, my lungs seized up and my stomach gave in. I wanted to throw up. It felt like the crowds were closing in. Then the sky caught fire. Everyone's heads automatically turned upwards, flames reflected on their eyes. It was so awful. I searched the crowd, not knowing what the hell I was looking for. Slowly resigning to tilt my head up and giving in to the lights, my heart breaking with every single explosion.

I will never understand why this overturn does this to me. It makes me impulsive, agitated and so empty all at the same time. I want nothing more than to run away from this godforsaken year, but standing face to face with the finish line is just too terrifying. And it just serves as a reminder that I was right back then, that I'd hardly remember how it was like for him to exist. It's only been one year and everything has been lost, I can't even bring begin to phantom the comfort that came with staring into his big brown eyes. What will I have left by next year? A few photos? A voice note about the fact that i loved him, though I'll never get to feel it again. It's just depressing.