whole

my 2012



[ho]
i truly thought that i knew you inside and out, that it came with having earned the shiny nametag of best friend above your head. this year as we fought to stay with each other i've learned so much more about you, about the darker parts that you have managed to keep from even me. And quite horrifyingly i have learned about the role i play in your life, horrifying because you look to me for direction when i myself am just making it up as i go along. i am jealous of the people that have already begun to be addicted to your spark and are stealing you away from me, though i've always pretended to be all-wise and above such things. you really do not see it but you are so adored by around you. I am insanely proud & thankful that i am the only one you've allowed yourself to return the feeling to (because truly, i have never been more honored to know someone) but i know that there are people that will prove to be worth it. it would be a shame to lose the chance to find better parts of yourself in your roles to others, which is exactly what you have done for me. you are the ho to my pimp, the turk to my overly emotional jd and the direction to my kanye (get it hurhurhur) and you always will be.


[beo]
the thing about you is that i can never quite find the words to explain what we are to people. you are the one person who truly and completely, knows my every muscle and thread. in all honesty the most heartbreaking thing about moving on from high school is moving on from you. it's really as simple as that. you're embedded in my side, just where you are supposed to be and i will never, ever be without you. please take care of yourself when i won't be able to be there with you, for my sake. i will never have another one like you, and i never have to, because im planning on having you with me for the long run; no need for explanations, no pretensions, just two horribly mismatched chinese girls making bad jokes and feeling embarrassingly in love with one another.


[chi]
and then, there's you. i really do love writing about you, my whole reservoir just fills to the brim with all the things i wish i could put into words. every single day i feel something new about you, and there is so much joy in being able to step out of the mess of life and just rediscover them one by one in the little moments. and it just gets better every single time. in your effort to atone for the mistakes we've made in the past you have become a better person for me, you have struggled through the stormiest waters for me and you have let me become your reason to fight. no one has ever allowed me to mean so much to them before. i can see you, collecting all the little parts of me that i'm letting slip past, that only you see the value in, and i will become the person that you see, i will. things make sense, when it comes to you. you are home, and i will never want anything more than what you give me every single day. right now, you're swiveling around in your chair talking about your sexual attraction to a burger and the only thought in my mind is that i am so, so glad that it turned out to be you all along.