All we have?

I am, terrified.


It's staring at me right in the face. The actual last year of high school. I never thought I'd actually get here. I can already see it flashing by, all the last minute panic attacks and sleepless nights spent worrying about that one huge, huge life changing exam. It's going to come, and it's going to go, and before I know it I'll be leaving.

I don't know whats bringing this sudden fear. Maybe it's the fact that I'm doing research on the different colleges and the different courses and I realize how completely clueless I am about it all. The fact that I watched High School Musical 3 for the gazillionth time yesterday is probably a contributing factor too. And this time I really felt the misdirection, the cluelessness. The wanting time to slow down to a stop. I can only imagine how hard I'll cry when I watch this show before I graduate next year, sitting in a melodramtically dark room by myself, tears streaming down my cheeks while I whisper with Troy Bolton "But most of all, I choose the person that inspires my heart. That's why I picked a school that's exactly 32.7 miles... away from you" It must be nice to be anchored to someone like that.

It might seem like a little bit of an overkill, getting the mean reds before I've even taken a step into form 5 yet. But I already know what's going to happen, it's going to come, and it's going to go, and before I know it I'll be gone. High school is like this little bubble where it's okay to have stupid problems and whine about our first world troubles. We're growing up, and we're doing it together. And when I leave it, some one is going to take over my seat in class, the teachers are going to forget that they hate me, and I'll be reduced to nothing but one of the thousand scribbles left on the bio lab table. But that's how the world works. And I find that I'm okay with that. I don't need to feel immortalised, to have people remember me long after I'm gone. I just don't want my time here to be over before I'm satisfied.
When I think about my four years here, all the things that once constructed my entire world now seems so insignificant now that I'm looking back on it. But I remember the friends, the laughs, the times where we cried together like sad pathetic gits, the hot days spent wanting nothing more than to go home. It was so perfect. This was the place that built me. I've learned everything I know from this place, and I feel so completely at home. I always hear tales of conflict and drama from other schools, but I've never really felt that here. So many faces that I don't know the names of, passed by wordlessly. but there's this bond there, a nod of acknowledgement, the mutual pride of being a DJ-ian.

I still have one more year. One more year to hate on the juniors without any valid reason, one more year to forge ties, one more year to be so blissfully ignorant about real life, one more year to be a kid. And god damn it I'm going to enjoy the fuck out of next year. Be it time spent lazing around in the pavillion, running around in ugly ass jerseys around the field, or sleeping in class post-4-hour-laughing session. Any time you enjoyed wasting is not time wasted. But I doubt if I'll ever be able to say goodbye to this old place. I guess my heart just doesn't know it's in high school. (IM SORRY, DISNEY MOVIES DO THIS TO ME.)