Self-reflection

There will come a time when you'll see.
That love won't break your heart, but dismiss your fears.



--




I know myself. I've discovered my virtues (quite shamelessly) and I've met my shortcomings.
I know that I talk to loud and that I think too much. I have a horrible temper and tend to be quite the asshole. These are the things that will never change.

But there have been things about me that have changed, quite a lot in fact. All somehow twisted and crammed into the past year. Ive realized that there is beauty in subtlety, that more is not always better. And I'm starting to see things from othe people's shoes now, which has constricted me to constant guilt and an extremely annoying inability to blame anyone. It's like I've paralyzed myself from being able to see from all points of views, a good healthy verbal smack down always halted by "I actually understand how she feels.." I have not yet decided if this is a good or bad thing. I will get back to you on that.

But I think, most importantly, I've learned that when it comes to the things that mean a lot to you, it's never black and white. There are so many grey areas. I've spent my life building conclusions and decisions and principles upon each other, absorbing it from all around me. I was so sure that my foundations were right, and I promised myself that I would never break them. That the right person wouldn't make me break them anyway. But that's not how things work. This year someone came into my life and he turned all my big ideas inside out. He made me doubt myself and he messed my mind up, he made me hate myself a little bit for having forsaken my ego, but he also taught me that you can't go into the world with this stubborn idea of how things "should be". The thing is, that it was probably my stubbornness and wanting to do everything according to how I thought they should be that resulted in his abrupt departure from my life. Real life is messed up and it might mean you have to just let go of well, everything. And just go with it. And another thing I've always known, but have only truly felt the magnitude and weight of it recently, is that everyone is as flawed as you are. And yes, things have changed alot, and i have to say that I'm quite happy he's not in my life anymore. He is the only person who i can hate on without feeling an ounce of guilt. Although I have a lot of harbored disdain for this person (if I haven't made that obvious enough) I guess I have to thank him, in some way.

So thank you, pig whore. This thank you is by no means filled with sarcasm and hatred.

--


So stop thinking so much. Stop trying to come up with reasonings and solutions. The doctor prescribes a clear mind and a cup of tea, then the answers will start to come.


I hope you all are well (except for you stupid pigwhore) i hope you all have a fairy light and eggnog filled Christmas.