Letter #3

KB. there will always be a letter for you, a second thought, a aftermath reflection, whether I like it or not. Oh god, I have wasted so much time on you. How many hours have I wasted beating myself up, lying curled up in a ball waiting for the heartache to wash over? And all over someone who didnt even care enough about me to actually consider anyone else but himself for a moment. A while ago, I would have never let anyone, especially you, see this weaker side of me. At the time, it seemed like letting you realize how much you damaged me was the worst thing in the world. But now, Im out. I'm out of the horrible endless circle you left me going around, and god, I wish I could reach into my past to tell myself that things would turn out alright, because I was drowning under all the bullshit you left on my hands. I don't know what's worst, slowly losing my own mind, or the fact that you didn't even notice it.

I look at you now and see every bad aspect of you rising up to the surface, and i realize that they have been there all along. The only difference between then and now is that I used to have a reason to look past them. I swallowed your vanities even though they burned away at my insides and corroded them black, because I had faith in you. But that reason is long gone. I've made so many excuses for you, to protect you and to protect myself. I couldn't take knowing that I was giving my all, and you well, you just kept giving up on me. You used me for your own selfish reasons, feeding off me and bleeding me bone dry, and when I finally got tired of fighting this battle on my own, you turned away and never looked back. So you owe me, you owe me sleepless nights and hollow-wrenched sobs, you owe me simple joys and affection, you owe me sincere words, strength, selflessness and a million apologies. At the risk of sounding terribly narcissistic and completely melodramatic (but then again, I am writing this for myself, it anyone else) you owe me an explanation.

I don't know who you are right now, and pardon my straightforwardness, but I don't want to either. But god, just know that you broke me. You broke my heart in so many places, not for leaving me or never looking back, but for taking away more of myself than I had to offer. I regret nothing, but you have a debt on your slate. And I know you know that you have wronged me, but it has come to a point where I have trained myself to honestly and sincerely, not give a shit.