adding up

There are some nights that make you think about yourself as a person, about all the things that you've done wrong and the fact that you're probably still not doing them right. Give me a vice and I will strive to be better, give me a bad habit and I will work to change it but this, this is something different. These are the dark parts of yourself that you will never understand.

It's disgusting to face, to see something in yourself that is just gruesome and dark. And the worst part is that these demons don't cause harm to yourself, they attack the ones you love. They are to ones who have to discover it, they are the ones who have to learn to deal with it and they are the ones who suffer the consequences.

And they find ways to love you regardless.

I have been selfish, and to add to it, ignorantly so. It doesn't take much to be strong during the good times, but I have been blind enough to ask for more in the low points when others needed me the most, as though I was entitled to it. I am completely humbled by watching how he held me up when I was the one who was pulling him down. It hurts to think about how much that took, and he never even gave a second thought to bleed himself for my sake.

So I will stare my own darkness in the face and I will fight it, and I will be everything I promised I would be. To be honest, I have never felt the weight of a promise the way you do before, but I am going to fight to my dying breath to keep this one to you.