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It is currently 1.38 am. The opening show for the production is in 11 hours and 22 minutes. Physics unit 4 mocks are in 32 hours and 22 minutes. The semester ends in 3 days and in 12 days it will be 3 months of Skype calls with bad connection and differently timed goodnight texts. After that...who knows? I told myself that I need to write more so that I don't forget things and I think that today is a day I don't want to forget. Today was a point where things became very real and I realised that I couldn't push those big things into the hands of the future me. Today I think I really heard you and understood that the fears you have could very easily come true. 

Thank you for being painfully sincere as you always are and shouldering the burden of worrying about the future. I always am too caught up with everything i get myself into to look beyond my where my next step lands. Even in tears and even laughing and even just sitting in silence I have never felt so comfortable and safe. Both of us will be on our own adventures and probably in different ends of the world when we would most like to be next to one another but now I know for sure that I will never really lose you. 

It is 1.58am and I should really go to sleep. Despite my best efforts, what you said is true: I can't go to bed without telling you goodnight. It's such an odd ritual, isn't it? But then again being with someone is always quite odd, it never is what you quite imagined it to be. It's messier than it looks, it's more confusing: there is no schedule, no order and no rules to play by. But what you don't expect as well is how contentment and comfort comes like a second instinct with a tangle of fingers and a voice. And how easy it is to be brave. 

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"How about you?"

I look forward to listening to instrumental soundtracks late at night and telling you how the 2nd cello in the bridge gives the whole major progression a minor tone. Whether it is over my shoulder as you lie next to me or over the crackling sound of bad connection of a phone call from halfway across the globe.